Coming to Terms

I know when I set out to write this blog I stated that I didn't care about losing weight necessarily and that it wasn't the primary goal.  Well, I tried.  I really did, but of course it was always in the back of my mind.  Yes, yes, the ultimate goal was and still is to get healthy and fix my lady problems and what not, but it still sucked when the weight wouldn't go down and it made me feel crappy about myself.

The other day, I came across a super inspirational video about a woman, Whitney Thore, who used to be athletic and small (like I once was) but eventually her PCOS and various hormonal issues caused her weight to creep up. After battling her new (and larger) body, and hating herself as a result of it, she finally had enough and came to terms with the body she has.  She is now an ambassador for body acceptance everywhere and watching this video kicked me in the ass.  Check it out here:



So, what did I learn from this?  I need to be satisfied with where my body is NOW.  At least I have one.  At least I am healthy.  80% of the time I am eating clean, healthy food and drinking a lot of water.  I get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day.  I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, I have never done drugs (aside from copious amounts of Advil once a week every month).  I get sick once a year, if that.  Overall, I am relatively healthy.  So why am I the weight I am?  This is the question that frustrated me every single day.  What am I doing wrong?  What can I do differently?

Well, what I can do differently is that I can stop worrying about my body's size and instead, appreciate it for what it can do .  I am able to dance in ballet and while yes, I look much bigger than the other ladies in the class, it hasn't stopped me from attending ANY of the classes or practicing at home.  I am capable of doing TRX to the point of almost throwing up, but powering through.  I am able to go for walks with my boyfriend and enjoy the fresh air. You get my point, despite my size, I am capable of many things.  In fact, my naturopath did say that my body will be handy for if I ever get extremely sick and cannot eat, then my body will have something feast on before it gets to my muscle mass. (Thanks?)

Today, I went into Addition-Elle and bought a beautiful underwear set and admired their amazing clothes.  I went online the other day to look at all the amazing plus size garments and loved the body confidence the models displayed.  Today I decided I wanted to be one of them.  Someone who maintains a healthy lifestyle, but accepts the hand they're given!  I don't want to be the person that spends 3+ hours/day in the gym to achieve and maintain a figure that is not meant for me. I want to be a positive role model for all those 12 year old girls that are going through what I went through.  I want to show them that despite their size, they can be strong, funny, smart, caring, and beautiful.  I spoke with Jill, one of the models from Panache who is transitioning from their "regular" models to the plus model department and I asked her if it was difficult.  She told me that it was easier for her...there was less stress and while all the other girls were eating next to nothing, she could maintain a relatively healthy lifestyle that was not revolving around a diet.

 

And before anybody even THINKS about commenting on the above picture saying she isn't "plus size" please realize that the modeling industry has crazy standards in regards to that.  Jill is a curvy model and thus is in the plus size division.  There is nothing more that I hate than ladies hating on each other....there is not reason for body shaming of any size.  Just as it is unacceptable for someone who is a size 4 to shame a size 22, it is also unacceptable for a size 18 to put down a size 10.  Stop the body shame, ladies, there are bigger things for us to worry about!! (but this is for another blog post)  

I want to be the role model for the big girl who is built like a brick shit house (thanks, Dad) and does not have perfect proportions for a "curvy" model.  For all the "ruler" shaped body types, I want to be someone they can look to and say, "Hey! I can look good wearing that or doing that!"  I want to inspire girls AND boys to recognize their biggest potential lies in their heart and soul and not in their clothing size.  I want to work with body positive organizations that help individuals except themselves for who they are and it's recognize that it's not about changing the views of society, but changing the views of the individual for themselves.

 I will no longer tell myself that I must be lazy because I am overweight or I must eat horridly because I am over 200 lbs.  My weight gain has come over the past few years and while I am certain my past eating habits did contribute to it, I am no longer the person I used to be (good-bye my 20s!) and the changes in my metabolic and hormonal balances make it more difficult to lose weight as efficiently as most people.  Just because I am accepting my body for where it's at right now, doesn't mean I am going to use it as an excuse to eat shitty food or stop working out.  In fact it's the opposite.  For me, it's not as simple as cutting down on the food, working out more, and taking all the right vitamins but rather an effort to find what works for me.  Perhaps that will be my contribution to the world....I will find the right way to eat and workout to help other women who struggle from PCOS and similar hormonal imbalances.

 

(Ps. this is NOT the right way :P)

Essentially, I want to look in the mirror and not look at the roundness of my face with disgust.  I don't want to feel the urge to use the liquify tool in Photoshop whenever I see a picture of myself and I don't want to hate myself for what I look like.  I want to flaunt my squishiness and love my fat for it keeps me warm in the winter (and God knows we spend a lot of time there) and I want to smile when I see myself in the mirror.

So, I know this blog post was slightly rant-y but it was driven by passion and my excitement for my self-approval.  So what can you look forward to in this blog?  The same kind of things!! My research and findings as I learn more about food and science, my new activities that I try that scare the hell out of me, and my self acceptance and love!  Despite your size and your struggles, join me in loving you for YOU and not your pants size!