Coming to Terms

I know when I set out to write this blog I stated that I didn't care about losing weight necessarily and that it wasn't the primary goal.  Well, I tried.  I really did, but of course it was always in the back of my mind.  Yes, yes, the ultimate goal was and still is to get healthy and fix my lady problems and what not, but it still sucked when the weight wouldn't go down and it made me feel crappy about myself.

The other day, I came across a super inspirational video about a woman, Whitney Thore, who used to be athletic and small (like I once was) but eventually her PCOS and various hormonal issues caused her weight to creep up. After battling her new (and larger) body, and hating herself as a result of it, she finally had enough and came to terms with the body she has.  She is now an ambassador for body acceptance everywhere and watching this video kicked me in the ass.  Check it out here:



So, what did I learn from this?  I need to be satisfied with where my body is NOW.  At least I have one.  At least I am healthy.  80% of the time I am eating clean, healthy food and drinking a lot of water.  I get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day.  I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, I have never done drugs (aside from copious amounts of Advil once a week every month).  I get sick once a year, if that.  Overall, I am relatively healthy.  So why am I the weight I am?  This is the question that frustrated me every single day.  What am I doing wrong?  What can I do differently?

Well, what I can do differently is that I can stop worrying about my body's size and instead, appreciate it for what it can do .  I am able to dance in ballet and while yes, I look much bigger than the other ladies in the class, it hasn't stopped me from attending ANY of the classes or practicing at home.  I am capable of doing TRX to the point of almost throwing up, but powering through.  I am able to go for walks with my boyfriend and enjoy the fresh air. You get my point, despite my size, I am capable of many things.  In fact, my naturopath did say that my body will be handy for if I ever get extremely sick and cannot eat, then my body will have something feast on before it gets to my muscle mass. (Thanks?)

Today, I went into Addition-Elle and bought a beautiful underwear set and admired their amazing clothes.  I went online the other day to look at all the amazing plus size garments and loved the body confidence the models displayed.  Today I decided I wanted to be one of them.  Someone who maintains a healthy lifestyle, but accepts the hand they're given!  I don't want to be the person that spends 3+ hours/day in the gym to achieve and maintain a figure that is not meant for me. I want to be a positive role model for all those 12 year old girls that are going through what I went through.  I want to show them that despite their size, they can be strong, funny, smart, caring, and beautiful.  I spoke with Jill, one of the models from Panache who is transitioning from their "regular" models to the plus model department and I asked her if it was difficult.  She told me that it was easier for her...there was less stress and while all the other girls were eating next to nothing, she could maintain a relatively healthy lifestyle that was not revolving around a diet.

 

And before anybody even THINKS about commenting on the above picture saying she isn't "plus size" please realize that the modeling industry has crazy standards in regards to that.  Jill is a curvy model and thus is in the plus size division.  There is nothing more that I hate than ladies hating on each other....there is not reason for body shaming of any size.  Just as it is unacceptable for someone who is a size 4 to shame a size 22, it is also unacceptable for a size 18 to put down a size 10.  Stop the body shame, ladies, there are bigger things for us to worry about!! (but this is for another blog post)  

I want to be the role model for the big girl who is built like a brick shit house (thanks, Dad) and does not have perfect proportions for a "curvy" model.  For all the "ruler" shaped body types, I want to be someone they can look to and say, "Hey! I can look good wearing that or doing that!"  I want to inspire girls AND boys to recognize their biggest potential lies in their heart and soul and not in their clothing size.  I want to work with body positive organizations that help individuals except themselves for who they are and it's recognize that it's not about changing the views of society, but changing the views of the individual for themselves.

 I will no longer tell myself that I must be lazy because I am overweight or I must eat horridly because I am over 200 lbs.  My weight gain has come over the past few years and while I am certain my past eating habits did contribute to it, I am no longer the person I used to be (good-bye my 20s!) and the changes in my metabolic and hormonal balances make it more difficult to lose weight as efficiently as most people.  Just because I am accepting my body for where it's at right now, doesn't mean I am going to use it as an excuse to eat shitty food or stop working out.  In fact it's the opposite.  For me, it's not as simple as cutting down on the food, working out more, and taking all the right vitamins but rather an effort to find what works for me.  Perhaps that will be my contribution to the world....I will find the right way to eat and workout to help other women who struggle from PCOS and similar hormonal imbalances.

 

(Ps. this is NOT the right way :P)

Essentially, I want to look in the mirror and not look at the roundness of my face with disgust.  I don't want to feel the urge to use the liquify tool in Photoshop whenever I see a picture of myself and I don't want to hate myself for what I look like.  I want to flaunt my squishiness and love my fat for it keeps me warm in the winter (and God knows we spend a lot of time there) and I want to smile when I see myself in the mirror.

So, I know this blog post was slightly rant-y but it was driven by passion and my excitement for my self-approval.  So what can you look forward to in this blog?  The same kind of things!! My research and findings as I learn more about food and science, my new activities that I try that scare the hell out of me, and my self acceptance and love!  Despite your size and your struggles, join me in loving you for YOU and not your pants size!

Listen Up, PCOS Friends!

*Note: I will be talking about periods and menstruation and delightfully female issues, so if that isn't your cup o' tea, get out now and skip to the second paragraph!

I can barely contain my excitement!!  As you know about a month ago I started working out, obviously eating relatively healthy, and just being mindful of what I was doing.  I hadn't even finished taken the naturopathic supplements designed to help with my cramps and this month my whole menstrual cycle has changed...for the better!  First off, I woke regularly in the morning to the lovely little surprise that I got my period.  Standardly, I am awoken by massive cramping and internal pain before my period actually starts, so while it was a surprise, it was a good sign.  I am into day 2 and there are very few clots (I know, gross, but it is an important factor as to what is going down inside the body) and it is already starting to lessen.  I am literally blown away by the immense change.  Very little to no cramping.  I am impressed and that makes me even MORE motivated to keep the exercise going on a daily basis.  Also, I think drinking a lot of alkaline water (water with lemon or cucumber if you are concerned about the wearing away of your enamel) and I think that definitely helps.  The interesting thing (but still frustrating) is that I haven't lost any "weight" according to the scale, but you know what...I don't care.  My goal was to get healthy.  To change the way my body works by working with it instead of fighting it.  It seems to be working and that bodes well for my future.  To read some funny things about periods go here.

             

In other news, I have been extremely diligent with the gym, and I have gone 4 days this week and then did ballet on the 5th.  Tomorrow, Stephanie and I are adventuring to yoga in the morning at the gym which will be interesting because it was when I was doing yoga with my friend Vicky in the summer, that I realized exactly how bad my body had gotten.  It made me so self conscious and sad that I couldn't hold myself up or touch my toes because my tummy was in the way.  Now, I feel stronger, I love the definition in my arms, my core is tighter (I can tell when we balance in ballet), I can lift more, and I have more energy.

I have to say though, there were at least 2 days this week where I attempted to not go to the gym.  But I made myself go and I am super glad that I did.  Motivation is a hard thing sometimes, especially when we live in Winterpeg.  I certainly do not enjoy crawling out of bed at 7am to get into a cold car in -30.  And this weather isn't the worst of it yet.  Sometimes it is just nicer to stay in a snuggly bed, or hang out on Facebook with the fireplace going, but I know that those habits are not what helped me achieve my current results.


Right now I am watching a documentary called Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead on Netflix.  It is an interesting documentary on the benefits of juicing and as you know, I have been into the juicing situation for awhile now.  This documentary is very interesting and I know a lot of people joke about "the juice diet" but I think it is about moderation and once you reset your body, implement juicing as a way to incorporate those fruits and vegetables that you hate to eat.  I think the greatest thing about the documentary is just the transformations and the motivation that you can get from watching another person's journey.  For myself, I find it extremely important to keep reading, watching, and learning about nutrition, exercise, and overall health.  It is keeping me accountable, but it is also incredibly interesting!  I am now watching Food Matters and it is much more in depth.  Watch it ;)

                       

I also bought 2 new books from Chapters which I am pretty pumped about!  I will write more on those later when I get to reading them! In the meantime, have a good time perusing my Recharge Wishlist for Christmas!

And the results are in!

I had my meeting with my naturopath today and it was both educational and expensive.  I am not going to lie...going the natural route is a lot more spendy than otherwise, but if you are lucky to have benefits it is not so bad! 

In regards to the actual test results we went over a number of different things and discussed the results from the saliva tests, my glucometer test, and I had a bioimpedance analysis (BIA).  So let's start with the saliva test.

First off, as soon as I sat down the Dr. said "What I received from the lab was something I have never seen before....nor have any of the doctors in the office...."  So, I do believe my cortisol (stress) hormones peaked slightly at this news but I fake smiled and nodded and urged her to continue.  "You have to redo the test because they found blood in the saliva samples."  I was a bit confused at this, not because of the blood, my gums bleed a bit every now and then but because there had been a spot on the paper that said to circle if I had gingivitis and I did this.  I assumed they adjusted something if people had this problem.  Not so the case.  So I get to spend another month taking my saliva tests AFTER I clear up the gingivitis.  Dang it.  The good news is that they don't charge me for it until it gets processed correctly.  But seriously, leave it to me to be the first one to screw up the test. BAHAHA!

One of the tests (the one testing my male hormones) came back 75% accurate and Dr. Sara said that it came back relatively normal, but we cannot be sure because the most important test was unreadable do to the above problem.  Awesome.  So I get to redo that one as well.  What we could tell from that particular test though, is that my body experiences poor insulin release (shocking, I know) as a result of abnormal cortisol release in the middle of the day.  If you are not aware of what cortisol is, it is the beautiful hormone secreted when you stress or when your body is stressed.  It literally will control every other hormone released in the body, whether it inhibits it or causes more.  Either way it is the devil.  We are not sure what is causing this stress hormone in the middle of the day because my overall lifestyle is generally not stressful, but if my body is fighting an internal infection (resulting in gingivitis as well....all these things are signs of inflammation somewhere) then it will create this lovely hormone.  It also happens during the night after midnight, so I have to start sleeping earlier than 1am on a more consistent basis. 

In order to fix the gingivitis issue (so I can retake my hormone test) I have to totally up my Vitamin C (apparently I am 1 step away from scurvy...).  Yippee!  To clean out my internal inflammation I have to take this lovely Berberis formula as well as Unda Drops which are homeopathic remedies for the liver.  The liver is the filter of the body so if there is an inflammation, it is commonly in the liver.  These drops help promote healthy, liver, pancreas, and digestive function.

 

Lastly, to help with my lady problems of extreme cramping, mood swings, etc.  I will be participating in MNS-Gen which is a combination of raspberry, rosemary, and black currant.  I have yet to smell any of these things that I will be taking, but let me tell you, if it means I have a less painful TOM that'd be stellar.

So, prior to speaking with my doctor, I had my BIA which was pretty interesting.  They hooked up these little electrode-y things to me, sent a quick and painless current through my body and then printed out the results.  Here they are:

                                                                (this is the reference guide)


But what does it all mean, right?  Basically, the part we cared about the most was Lean Body Mass vs. Fat Mass, Basal Metabolic Rate, and my total weight haha.  I learned that, for a woman, I have a very high Lean Body Mass number and I attribute that to my old bodybuilding body.  It also helps to offset the fact that I have 38% fat mass #sadface.  However, at least now that I know where I am starting I can get an ideal % to get to.  I talked to the doctor administering the test and she and I decided that if I lose 50lbs that would be optimal for my health.  I appreciate going to a doctor that is not telling me to follow the BMI chart because there is no way in hell that my body would ever get to 160lbs and be healthy and sustainable...not with a lean body mass of 61% (hopefully getting higher!!!)  Lastly, I have to take in 2094 calories a day just resting, so my lack of weight loss recently will have more to do with the fact that I am not eating ENOUGH during the day to offset my exercise. 

I think that is the biggest myth that is imprinted in our brains....that we need to do less of everything in order to achieve or goals, but in fact we need to do MORE of all the things to achieve those goals!  Just more of the right things.

So yes, this is a ton of information and when I came home I was spinning from all the info.  But we are on the right track to healing all the things and making my body the temple it deserves to be!   I love learning about the amazing way our bodies try to keep up, but today I was fortunate to find a book specifically on PCOS which would totally help me understand a lot more about the hormonal production.

 

I've got some reading to get to and it will be absolutely perfect for our cruise!  Nothing says relaxing like The Ultimate PCOS Handbook.  So yes, to break it all down, the plan of attack is as follows:

*exercise more to control cortisol and gain more lean body mass

*sleep more (before midnight)

*avoid sweets at all costs

*take my supplements regularly

*up the vitamin C

*drink more and more water

*educate myself!

Date: Nov 12, 2013!
Current weight: 241

Goal for the day: nada

What is your plan for food today? 

                                                   breakfast bar
                                                   oatmeal, almond butter, protein powder
                                                  sweet potato chips and hummus
                                                  cheeseburger "pizza"

Planned water intake: 108 oz (5 water bottles full)